"I wrote this thinking of Dessa, because it was her favorite". "Her" being my ex.
My ex wasn't a huge Hip Hop fan. She liked it just fine but it wasn't her main category to listen to. I introduced her to a lot of underground Hip Hop but I never saw her actually gravitate toward anyone enough to become an actual fan, except for Dessa. Dessa's music holds a lot of weight on the topic of relationships and during our break up she started quoting many of Dessa's lines. Introducing someone I love to music I love to have lines quoted in reference to a relationship with me makes it hard to enjoy those songs the same. She used quotes from Dessa to speak for her during a tough time, so I wrote this thinking of Dessa's lines during mine.
Another note: Circa Survive has also been one of my favorite bands for quite a while. I listened to them all the time when we first met and still do. She's told me she can't listen to Circa Survive without thinking of me now. I can't listen to Dessa without thinking of her. So...
I wrote and recorded this to a looped guitar from the beginning of Dessa's "Seamstress" (www.youtube.com/watch?v=hHgdWyytLn0). I erased the loop and produced a track around my vocals using Circa Survive's "The Greatest Lie". A friend named Andrew plays guitar at the end of this track. Which is ironic to the people who know this situation personally.
lyrics
Verse 1
I wrote this thinking of Dessa, because it was her favorite./
I hold my grudge against you and everyone else, because while I say this/
There's a chance your touch could be causing her warmth and while I'm torn/
I try to stay sane but the thoughts where I fault in anger speak in my mind and these words are still born./
All the parents say and your friends may take these sides for sake of such an innocent face/
But these boots won't shake cause one day you'll get it, get it? Maybe I'll just have to wait./
But you don't deserve her man. So many things to show the beauty she is/
I'm torn apart, you're playing the field with no clue what a gift./
You don't know how I strained my life to fix this. Defended her, stand strong and claim my faults in all acts./
Or if she's asleep next to you, you whisper you love her, she will always say it back./
Her favorite color green. Charlotte Russe her store. She'll smile for nothing and always love you more./
And you can never win. I'd kill to see that again. Even men, I'll leave it at that./
Any animal she'd love so selfless./
Any hurt to her will leave you so helpless./
Imma make it known./
No embarrassment man cause I'm grown. What I want I know./
The past mistakes might not have made a case of it./
But I love her. It's making me say this shit./
You better be sure./
I can't help but make a fist. These feelings aren't forced./
Luckily for you I'm a thoughtful man with source of sense and some self control./
I just put it in song and sweat on the brink of sane and I'm getting close./
I hope I can find some piece before I make a mistake of it./
God help me. I'm depressed and an atheist. So pass the bottle with a face to rage against. With hate I could swallow you whole./
I should stop before I say something I regret right? It's already a mess./
But the thought of you touching flesh isn't something my mind is set to not stress and let go./
Say it next time she's sleeping next to you. See if she repeats it in the dark./
Then imagine my hate cause she said it to me for four years conscious when she meant it with her whole heart./
Verse 2
I wrote this thinking of Dessa, because it was her favorite./
I hold my grudge against you and everyone else, because while I say this/
There's a chance your touch could be causing her warmth and while I'm torn/
I try to stay sane but the thoughts where I fault in anger speak in my mind and these words are still born./
It's hard to fake when I know your face and these friendships snake and then fade away./
just to fault in hate but to know you know how she tastes, makes this a dangerous place./
Instead of wasting my breath and lips on specifics caused by what you did/
I'mma get on some upbeat and brolic shit bitch cause you don't deserve the acknowledgment./
But it's not that easy. My sanity fights my aggression with/
every turn I test myself in thought. Am I strong enough or not? Question is./
I'm busy out of body. A crazy itch that can't hide my expression. Making fists./
Straining to calm but shaking at risk to put my fist through that fucking face of his./
I hope you're happy with someone easy. It's how you explained to be./
Compare between us you made and I'm teething on the pain that's placed in mean./
The worth a nice guy you graced relieving all past insecurities./
Cause you want it easy, she just wants it easy, so have it easy, but I don't believe./
Verse 3
I watched your eyes sweat out care. Dried by the hand that points in morals./
To place a statement meant as unfair. No clue how much I adore you./
To know another can touch you bare and I have to refer to you in plural./
That's my angel I found her in Bel Air Adam, find your own in Laurel./
I've made mistakes of my own and claimed. With friends to judge now and all explained./
You pass the truth until it twists and blame is a place for you all to question my name./
Guilty looks now in all I promise. Watch you entertain yourself in gossip./
To say they don't lie is a failing nonsense, bending the truth is still dishonest./
So brave to speak when I'm not around but you fold in front, so you can hear me now./
If kind is weak then feel me out. Alone I speak with no foot in mouth./
And I know this won't make me any friends. Exploits my pain in every hymm./
I write and shake with sweaty skin. Hands release hate through my pen./
The pressure breaks tips in all my tension. Imagine your face in every sentence./
I get more personal the more I mention. Immortalize you on my record./
This hate gone numb I look and listen. You've touched her skin I've seen the pictures./
Spoke all day, my eyes have witnessed. You place your hands and I'll show you sickness.
I have been listening to variations of this album a long time. I remember I was living in a cardboard dumpster when some young guy was like yo dude it's gonna rain come crash on my couch. He played The Many Faces of Oliver Hart for me. I fell in love, I set my favorite track as Rain because we looped it when the rain came. That was one of the early acts of kindness I received in the nearly 20 years I've been homeless. @NomadRoamsFree
Sharp commentary, big hooks, and stunning melodies make the Minneapolis rapper, poet, and songwriter's latest solo LP a triumph. Bandcamp New & Notable Nov 8, 2023
Fuck yeah man lets fucking GO!!!
absolutely smashing album I love P.O.S i love Astronautalis but this album is more than the sum of that, it made me rething like genre and how i think abt music. This album has everything i love about rap AND punk, it's rough and agressive and tender and nostalgic and sincere and cynical and makes me Feel Things Niki